Some days you just need kind, caring words from someone who has been there.
Whenever you are having a bad day, please come to this place.
This is a place where your fellow widower community will leave words of encouragement, and maybe some time you can do the same for a friend in need.
Letter # 1
“My wife Nancy passed away unexpectedly July 13, 2011 when she was 47 years old. My kids were 13 and 11. My daughter was going to be starting high school in 2 months.
We knew Nancy had an irregular heart beat and a prolapsed mitral valve, but we were never warned of a risk of sudden death. We had her condition evaluated at Mayo Clinic and were told to monitor her frequently but they chose not to operate unless more symptoms developed.
How do you survive? Well, I needed someone to help me make decisions for the first week. I wasn’t thinking straight. I needed one or two friends who were lighthearted and always made life joyful with me as early as possible. This could be family as well, but for me it was a friend. He stayed with me for about 5 days.
The service was held July 17. Since both sides of the family live out of town, I needed and appreciated a local friend as my confidante, my regular, my guide and she became like a sister to me! She always included me in her events, she watched my kids, she checked in and helped to push me forward. Find someone like this and accept offerings of help. Food assistance is wonderful early on but being included is most valuable. This is probably needed for the long haul, let’s just say 10 years. Its a couples world out there and singles and widowers are excluded.
Make family life as regular as possible, have family sit down dinners and watch the children at their activities. I never had the children see a counselor because their personalities and grades stayed similar.
I am blessed that not one of us went down the dark hole and wanted to stay there. However, definitely go there for a visit but know you are not staying. Crying/sadness is good and natural.
I couldn’t breath reality in until I listened to songs with headphones. Crank them and let yourself cry! Also, looking at videos, cards, letters and journaling were helpful to help bring out my thoughts. I eventually made a song list of a 100 songs ( titled Love Nancy) that were some of her favorites and some of ours as a couple. I would play CDs in my car so I was able to celebrate Nancy with my children as we traveled.
Love is a verb. Just as the CD’s name, it reminds me to always act out on my love of Nancy whether she is here or not. My children benefit from seeing me always love her. Crying is love, remembering is love, singing is love, dancing is love, living fully and joyfulling is love.
Good Luck. Learn to love again. Life is grand. Be in it. Go into the darkness, it is a time shared with your loved one, but come back out to show your family how to love!”
L.H.
Letter #2
On March 4, 2012 my life changed forever. My husband, who struggled with depression from his unanswered questions on failing health, took his own life. I didn’t truly understand the depths of his pain and his feelings of helplessness until it was too late.
For several weeks later, I operated on “auto pilot”, trying to maintain some degree of normalcy for my daughters, ages 15 and 18. These girls, who completely adored their father, tried to make sense of a completely nonsensical situation. We all did. Through many hugs and countless tears, we shifted into survival mode. Family and friends visited us and called often. A group from my husband’s work delivered meals 3 days/week for 6 weeks. Everyone tried to console us, though many had no idea what to say or what to do. But through it all, those acts of kindness and love would never be forgotten. They helped to sustain us.
Eventually, we settled in on a new “normal”. For me, that meant keeping busy. I didn’t want any “downtime” or alone time. I didn’t want to think or plan. I just wanted to do things to feel a sense of purpose. That was my coping mechanism. I needed to be strong for my daughters and in turn, this made me stronger for myself. Today, when I hear about someone’s loss, I reach out as a sign of understanding and love, in hopes it will help them as much as my supporters helped me.
As time passed, sharing memories no longer made us cry because of a loss; rather, they made us smile because of the gift of his time in our lives. You never get over the pain, but you can get through it.
R.S.
Letter #3
“My name is Ken and my wife Kelly committed suicide Sunday, April 23, 2017. I was completely numb and didn’t eat or sleep much for the first week. The service was a blur. The pain and grief was incredibly difficult along with just an overwhelming sickness in my gut. I relied on Kelly’s sister and brother and my friends to deal with Kelly’s passing.
We were High School sweethearts and were married for exactly 23 1/2 years. We have 2 boys ages 21 and 17 as well as a 13 year old daughter.
As the days turned into weeks and weeks into months I realized that I had to be there for the younger 2 kids still living at home.
I became a believer in the Lord and our savior Jesus Christ. Before Kelly’s passing, I was just going through the emotions of life.
I feel that I’ve become a better person now. I am living a more purpose filled life. I have become more empathic and really listen and hear what other people are saying.
It’s been 16 months and I still have horrible days, but they are not as frequent and the grief isn’t as acute as it once was. I still miss my Kelly everyday and I know I will see her again in heaven but I still need to move forward and enjoy this life as long as I am here….”
K.W.